We’ve probably all been ghosted.

Ghosting is quietly and abruptly disappearing from someone’s life, essentially becoming invisible. The person doing the ghosting simply stops communicating with no explanation, leaving the person being ghosted to wonder what happened. When we’ve been ghosted, we feel rejected—and it hurts.

We typically hear about ghosting in the context of romantic relationships, but it happens with platonic and even business relationships, too. Years ago, I was ghosted by a close friend before it was called ghosting—and it hurt.

Even though my life bordered on train wreck at the time, our friendship had endured plenty of “stuff” over the years, and I thought it was strong enough to survive any drama. That was three decades ago, and I still wonder what I did to make her stop returning my calls or responding to my letters (in the dark ages before email and social media).

A few years after she broke off contact, I discussed it with another friend, who offered this perspective: “You probably didn’t do anything. Maybe she had something going on in her life that she was ashamed of and didn’t want you to know about.”

That hadn’t occurred to me.

When we’ve been ghosted, regardless of the nature of the relationship, we tend to focus on what we could have done that chased the other person away. We spend a lot of time trying to figure out what happened, what changed, and what we can do to fix it. But the reality is when someone ghosts us, it’s usually not about us—it’s about them. It’s their action based on their decision, and we may never know why.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” (John 13:7, NIV)

Here’s how to ease the pain of being ghosted:

Know that you didn’t fail. Being ghosted says more about the other person than it does about you. You are responsible for your behavior; they are responsible for theirs. That their behavior is rude and hurtful is a reflection on them, not you. You have value and worth.

Forgive them. Ghosting is disrespectful and cruel. The reasons people ghost will vary—maybe they didn’t have the courage to tell the truth about something or maybe they’re simply unreliable. Whatever the reason, the deed and damage are done, so forgive them for hurting you.

Pray for them. It’s never easy to pray for someone who has hurt you and made you angry. Do it anyway. It’s hard to stay angry with someone you’re praying for.

Let them go. You can’t stay in a relationship the other person has left—and if they’ve ghosted you, they’re gone. Once it’s obvious that you’ve been ghosted, don’t continue trying to contact them. Accept it and move on.

Ghosting takes two

For every person who has been ghosted, there was a ghost.

If you’ve ever ghosted someone, do some serious personal reflection. Why did you do it? Were you deliberately trying to hurt the other person? Did you have something to hide? Were you avoiding a difficult conversation or even a confrontation? Was the other person pressing for a commitment you didn’t want to make? Was it easier to simply cut off contact than to deal honestly with whatever was happening?

Most people don’t ghost someone to be intentionally cruel, but intentional or not, that’s the result. So how can you make it right?

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. (Hebrews 12:14, NIV)

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution but the basic steps are:

Admit what you did and apologize. If you can, do this in person or at least on the phone. If that’s not possible, send a hand-written letter. Texting is easier but not as meaningful. Keep it simple and sincere. Make it clear you know what you did and you’re sorry.

Explain what happened without excuses. It doesn’t need to be complicated. Accept responsibility and don’t cast blame on anyone else.

Reach a resolution. This is the tricky part. What do you want to happen? If you simply want to provide closure for yourself and the other person, make that clear. If you want to resume the relationship, ask for another chance but be prepared to be told no.

Trust God’s plan

Remember that you aren’t perfect but God’s plan for you is. Whether you were ghosted or did the ghosting, pray and trust God to make it all work together for good.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

Jacquelyn Lynn
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