There’s no value in forcing adults to apologize for anything, even when they’re wrong

Part of parenting is teaching your children to say please and thank you, and sometimes making them apologize for something they’ve done.

There’s a good chance those forced apologies were accompanied by shuffling feet, a bowed head, and total insincerity. But it’s a good lesson in taking responsibility that will likely lead to an understanding of the value of sincere apologies in adulthood.

These days, we’re seeing a lot of forced apologies, many of which would be better off left unsaid or unwritten. And then there’s the non-apology (“I’m sorry if you were offended/hurt/whatever …”), which is a total waste of everyone’s time.

When adults or organizations make a mistake, a sincere apology can be an important part of making the situation right. But a forced apology, especially one designed to humiliate the person who made the error, is useless.

I’ve lost count of the number of public figures in recent years who have been forced to apologize for a remark or an opinion in an effort to keep their jobs, sponsorships, fans or whatever. I’m sure some of those apologies are real and heartfelt, but I believe most are part of a desperate attempt to placate an opposition mob. At best, that makes them meaningless. At worst, they’re offensive.

Here’s what got me thinking about this:

I’m writing this less than three weeks into President Trump’s second term. In the past few days, one of the members of Elon Musk’s DOGE team that’s uncovering wasteful and potentially fraudulent spending at USAID made some inappropriate social media posts. The individual was apparently dismissed then brought back. California Congressman Ro Khanna suggested that the young man be forced to apologize, making this post directed to Vice President JD Vance on X:

“Are you going to tell him to apologize for saying ‘Normalize Indian hate’ before this rehire? Just asking for the sake of both of our kids.”

Vice President Vance’s response was perfect:

“For the sake of both of our kids? Grow up. Racist trolls of the internet, while offensive, don’t threaten my kids. You know what does? A culture that denies grace to people who make mistakes. A culture that encourages congressmen to act like whiny children.

“I cannot overstate how much I loathe this emotional blackmail pretending to be concern. My kids, [God] willing, will be risk takers. They won’t think constantly about whether a flippant comment or a wrong viewpoint will follow them around for the rest of their lives. They will tell stupid jokes. They will develop views that they later think are wrong or even gross. I made mistakes as a kid, and thank God I grew up in a culture that encouraged me to grow and learn and feel remorse when I screwed up and offer grace when others did.

“I don’t worry about my kids making mistakes, or developing views they later regret. I don’t even worry that much about trolls on the internet. You know what I do worry about, Ro? That they’ll grow up to be a US Congressman who engages in emotional blackmail over a kid’s social media posts.”

If you have power over someone who makes a mistake and you force them to issue a public apology they don’t genuinely feel, what have you really accomplished?

Nothing except to demonstrate your power—and pettiness.

You know what’s really important in these situations? The ability to understand, to allow others to have and express their own opinions even as they mature, and, when necessary, to forgive.